Your Fantasies Are Normal
Image by Lloyd Newman
Sexual fantasies are very common; 97% of adults have them regularly. Fantasies can be a source of pleasure but also a source of shame or guilt. Some fantasies you might like to experience in real life, others you may prefer to experience only within the framework of your own brain.
According to researcher Justin Lehmiller, these are the top three most common sexual fantasies: sex with multiple people, BDSM fantasies and fantasies about novelty, adventure, and variety. But topics such as taboos (e.g. voyeurism, fetishes), homoerotic fantasies when you are straight and romantic fantasies are also very common.
It is important to realise that an imagined situation is different from reality. A fantasy is a story meticulously created by your brain so you are always completely in control. Even if you have no control in the story itself or play a role you would not want to play in real life. This is an essential difference from the same scene in reality. What your brain comes up with is not always what you would want to experience yourself.
From a psychoanalytic viewpoint, fantasies can be about something other than what they seem to be about at first glance. According to Michael Bader, fantasies function to bypass blockages to experience pleasure. Socially, sexuality is heavily regulated by rules and taboos. Sometimes, we have to overcome quite a few obstacles to achieve pleasure. In your fantasy, your brain chooses the shortest path to pleasure, unhindered by social morality. The way your brain does this is highly personal. For example, fantasies about sex with multiple people can be about the desire for a lot of sensory input. BDSM fantasies can be about the desire to surrender. However, there are significant differences here per individual, and the nuances and details of your fantasies make them unique to you. Do intense things happen in your imagination? This is a normal and intelligent way for your brain to deal with taboos and morality.
Some fantasies you might want to experience in real life, and others you might like to keep in the privacy of your brain. For the fantasies you want to turn into reality, it is wise to realise that there is often a difference between fantasy and real life. A threesome can end in disappointment without some preparation. In your fantasy, everything is about your optimal pleasure; the threesome in reality, requires coordination with two other people to create a situation that is pleasant for everyone. The same applies to BDSM fantasies. Ensure you go into these experiences in a safe environment with enough information, good communication and support.
So, your fantasies are a very personal reflection of who you are, and they are entirely normal. If you want to experience them in real life, the following 'checklists' are essential to achieve a good experience for everyone involved. Ensure the experience is 'Safe, Sane and Consensual' for all participants. In BDSM environments, people also use ‘Risk Aware Consensual Kink’, from the perspective that risk can never be completely ruled out but that it is important for everyone involved to approach these consciously and well-informed.
Justin J. Lehmiller wrote the very informative book 'Tell Me What You Want' about his research about sexual fantasies in the United States.
Michael J. Bader's book ‘Arousal’ is an interesting read if you want to know more about what your fantasies could mean.