What If Counselling Doesn't Work?

I have great respect for everyone who walks into my practice.

It's quite the risk. Especially when you come in with your partner.

What if it doesn't work? What if one of you loves it and the other hates it? What if I make you do things you don't want to do?

What if I side with your partner? You might suddenly be the culprit, even though your partner is the real problem.

Fair enough. I get it.

It is a risk, and I know a lot is at stake. You are not just stopping by; something has to change.

There are several things I do to minimise the risk.

Not everyone finds sex that important.

But it can feel that it should be important. You have to do it an x amount of times in a week, month, or year. Or at least be in the mood for it. If not, there’s something wrong with you.

Not true at all.

How do you know whether you are asexual or not? And what does this mean for you?

When you ask me a question like this, I walk you through a few things to help you determine your position on the vast spectrum of sexual identities. Most importantly, I help you figure out which words and identities resonate for you.

What? Isn't it true that…

… men are in their prime during their teens? 

… it only gets worse once you are married or have children?

… after menopause, there is no fun in it anymore?

My mother always taught me that ‘everyone is the way they are’ and that ‘you can’t change someone else.’

There’s a truth in this. I don’t want to go through life being someone else’s puppet. And when someone changes to please me, it doesn’t necessarily benefit me.

Research by John Gottman in the 1990s showed that 69% of all conflicts in a relationship are never resolved. This is also true for conflicts around intimacy and sexuality.

Ouch, that is not very hopeful. Yet, it is good news.

Are you a ‘people pleaser’? Are you always there for others, always willing to go the extra mile for someone else? That might give the impression that you are very reliable. After all, you are always there for others, a constant factor willing to help.

Every person is unique in how much desire they have for sex and intimacy. The good news is that the amount of desire you experience is absolutely normal. However, as partners, this means you will likely not be exactly on the same page. Good communication and some coordination are essential. And even then, it is not uncommon to get stuck in difficult patterns. One partner might be on a constant quest for more, and the other keeps the door closed.

Sexual fantasies are very common; 97% of adults have them regularly. Fantasies can be a source of pleasure but also a source of shame or guilt. Some fantasies you would like to experience in real life, others you may prefer to experience only within the framework of your own brain.

For many people, spontaneity is important in intimate relations—to desire and to be desired at the same time. The media also shows us that spontaneity is important; lust arises instantly for both partners. However, everyday reality is often different. Partners are not always in the mood at the same time and in the same way. Desire and lust work differently for each partner.

Have you lost the connection in your relationship a bit? Don't wait to say something until you can perfectly express what is going on. Sometimes, it is easy to discuss what is going on. But there are times that it is more of a vague feeling, and it might be uncomfortable to start the conversation.

Are humans naturally monogamous or not? It sometimes seems like an existential question with only one correct answer, as if they are two entirely different options with nothing in between. However, in any type of relationship you need the same skills to build (a) thriving connection(s).

Intimacy is not a given but an active process. You have to keep showing yourself with all the things that change over time. As life progresses, we become more complex and 'fuller' as individuals. As we get to know ourselves better, we can better express what we want, and our lives become richer through our many experiences.

As partners, you can sometimes get really annoyed with each other. The dishwasher that has not been unloaded, being constantly ‘nagged at’, or your partner who keeps withdrawing and 'doesn't want to talk about it'. Talking about intimate matters can be even more difficult. We see few examples of successful conversations, and we learn little about this when we are young. Sometimes, you don't even really know what you want to say and where to start.

During the Honeymoon phase, relationships seem perfect, and the future looks bright. Movies usually end at this point, too. The main characters find each other and live 'happily ever after. ' But what happens next is not shown.

In a relationship, you want to feel secure and have the freedom to be yourself. When you first fall in love, this often happens naturally. You fit well together and understand each other without words. As the relationship develops, you notice that some things may be a little less perfect than you first thought.