Desire Needs Space
Image by Yoshua Earle
Every person is unique in how much desire they have for sex and intimacy. The good news is that the amount of desire you experience is absolutely normal. However, as partners, this means you will likely not be exactly on the same page. Good communication and some coordination are essential. And even then, it is not uncommon to get stuck in difficult patterns. One partner might be on a constant quest for more, and the other keeps the door closed.
This pattern can be changed. However, there is usually no 'quick fix'; it takes some time to re-adjust together. The first step is to know that the amount of desire you each have is normal. Even if you experience no desire at all, that is entirely normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
Realise that desire needs space, it requires a certain freedom to blossom. The partner with less desire may receive subtle or not-so-subtle signals that put some pressure to have sex. This can, but does not have to, come from the other partner. Our society has strong ideas about how you should experience your desire, and because of this, you may feel that you 'just have to do it’. However, such signals are very counterproductive for really feeling your desire.
Things like stress, anxiety and changes in your body can all influence your level of desire. Paying attention to them without any pressure can make a big difference. Rediscovering what gives you pleasure in a broad sense and recognising what slows down or accelerates it is a good starting point. Looking outside the limited boxes the media show us and connecting with what you want is key.
For the partner with more desire, it is good to check whether you are not unconsciously putting pressure on your partner. It is even more important to keep your own fire going, which can be quite a task! Stay in touch with your vitality and desire while staying within the agreements of your relationship. Realise that your partner’s amount of desire has much less to do with you than you think. Our patterns around sexuality, desire and intimacy form at a young age and are much older than your relationship.
It helps to investigate what sex and pleasure mean to you. What are your deeper motivations and desires, and how can they find a new place within your relationship? There is nothing wrong with your desire, and the discrepancy requires a new look at how you approach intimacy together.
A bit about asexuality: asexuality means not experiencing any desire for sex. This can mean that you do not want to have sex, but it can also mean that you enjoy it in itself but that you do not experience any desire for it yourself. This can bring challenges in a relationship. By looking at the deeper layers of your connection, creative solutions.