After the Honeymoon
During the Honeymoon phase, relationships seem perfect, and the future looks bright. Movies usually end at this point, too. The main characters find each other and live 'happily ever after. ' But what happens next is not shown.
In the falling-in-love phase, we view everything through rose-coloured glasses, and the differences are not visible. You are literally and figuratively intertwined with each other, and a kind of symbiosis is created. That feels great, but in the long run, this often causes problems. You don't like heavy metal (or classical music) as much as you would like to admit. The fact that your partner is a lot messier (or tidier) than you is also becoming increasingly difficult for you. In terms of intimacy, you would like to try something different, or you may have less need for intimacy now that the relationship is developing. But you don't know how to bring this up, or you leave it at that for the sake of keeping the peace.
Small white lies make it more difficult to admit the more significant differences. Things disappear under the proverbial carpet, and eventually, you become grumpy, unintentionally snap at your partner, or withdraw from contact. The result is often that intimacy disappears or no longer feels as good as it used to. This is all very normal, but it can create difficult patterns, and in the long run, this will work against you.
The good news is that you can deal with this differently. The story only begins after the first phase of falling in love, when the symbiosis ends, and you start seeing the other person as they really are. That is a complex process, and you need several qualities to succeed in this process. I like to use the Development Model by Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Pete Pearson, which clearly describes these qualities. They help you keep your relationship healthy and able to grow with what's happening in your life. Some qualities might be easy for you, but others will require practice.
So, what does it take to take the next step in your relationship?
First, it is essential to know what you want. That may seem obvious, but it is not always the case.Identifying what you want and what your desires are, especially in terms of intimacy, can be challenging. What we are presented with in the media is, to say the least, rather one-sided, and we rarely talk about it.
If you know what you desire, you must also have the courage to tell your partner. It is not surprising that we often shy away from this because it can make for an uncomfortable conversation. It is crucial that you can regulate your own emotions and remain calm.
In addition, it is good to realise that your partner is a different person with different preferences. That seems obvious, but in everyday practice, we often unconsciously assume that others think or experience something the same way we do in many areas. It can't be that your partner really feels at home in this mess (or this sterile space)? Or, your partner must have roughly the same need for intimacy, right? Wasn't that the case in the beginning?
Can you listen to the other person without interrupting? Can you remain curious, even if you disagree? That is not always easy, but it does provide more connection and security in the long term.
That, I think, is real intimacy: being with each other and yourself in difficult moments, with real attention to one another. That's exciting and challenging, and it takes courage!
Do you recognise these qualities? Which ones are easier for you, and which could you develop further?
To succeed in a difficult conversation, you need to be able to regulate your emotions in difficult moments. I will tell you more about that in my next newsletter. Stay tuned….