The Dance Between Safety and Risk
Foto by Josh Hild
In a relationship, you want to feel secure and have the freedom to be yourself. When you first fall in love, this often happens naturally. You fit well together and understand each other without words. As the relationship develops, you notice that some things may be a little less perfect than you first thought.
When it comes to intimacy, you may want to discover more together, or maybe you have less need for it now that the relationship is developing. Maybe you want something different, but you don't know quite what. You don't want to hurt your partner, but at the same time, a certain dissatisfaction might build up inside of you. You may also notice a similar thing happening to your partner.
How do you start a conversation about this without hurting your partner and, at the same time, creating clarity and deeper intimacy in your connection?
I think it is important to realise that intimacy also involves taking risks. That can be a scary thought, but it is also quite logical. Intimacy means being able to show yourself fully to someone else. Being able to show all parts of yourself to the other is quite something. As people, we are constantly changing, and after a while, you are no longer quite the same person that your partner fell in love with. And vice versa. How do you remain yourself in all the changes of life and at the same time stay open to others?
It takes courage to express yourself and show yourself to your partner in a new way. The reverse is also true. Can you really continue to listen and remain curious when your partner shows you a new side of themselves? A side that you might find difficult to see? Hearing something that is not easy can evoke a lot of emotions, making it difficult to remain truly open and curious about the other person.
What might help you in this is to realise that it is, in fact, not that personal. "What?" you may be thinking. “Not personal? The intimacy between me and my partner is incredibly personal!” And yes, I agree with you on that too. Intimacy between people is personal. At the same time, you can look at it differently. What we like, what we long for, and what our preferences are is a unique and complex interplay of genetic factors, our environment, our culture, experiences from (early) childhood, and many more factors. It is a science we don’t even know that much about yet. What you and your partner like and desire is, therefore, on some level, much less personal than you think. This realisation can help you stay curious about your partner, even when they share something that might be difficult to hear. It is not either/or, but both/and.
What can you do with this in the reality of everyday life?
Regularly set aside time for conversations in which you are simply curious about each other. Agree on this beforehand. No decisions are made in these conversations, and you are not going to solve or fix things for each other. Make sure you keep the conversations outside the (proverbial) bedroom and at a time when you have quiet time together.
It helps a lot to start with what you appreciate about each other. Tell each other what you like about each other and compliment each other. These can be big or small things. This creates trust and makes talking about the more difficult things easier.