How to Stay Calm in the Difficult Moments
As partners, you can sometimes get really annoyed with each other. The dishwasher that has not been unloaded, being constantly ‘nagged at’, or your partner who keeps withdrawing and 'doesn't want to talk about it'. Talking about intimate matters can be even more difficult. We see few examples of successful conversations, and we learn little about this when we are young. Sometimes, you don't even really know what you want to say and where to start.
What makes difficult conversations so tricky?
Our fight/flight/freeze system is easily triggered when faced with complex subjects. This system, which is deeply anchored in the brain, is in itself very useful. Long ago, it warned us against tigers, bears, falling trees and other dangers. In our current society, it helps us respond adequately when the car in front of us makes a strange manoeuvre or when a child threatens to run into the street. We can react quickly in dangerous situations and prevent accidents and other suffering.
The problem is that this system can also get activated in more complex situations with no immediate physical danger. In these cases, the system turns out to be less useful. When the fight/flight/freeze system kicks in, it takes much energy, and our neocortex becomes less accessible. The neocortex is the part of the brain where we can look at things logically and oversee complex situations. This is better for personal conversations than running away or freezing up, as the fight/flight/freeze system can make us do.
How do you know whether you are in fight/flight/freeze mode and, therefore, have a less accessible neocortex? There are several ways to notice this.
First, you can notice it in your body: your heart rate increases, you breathe a little faster, you feel warmer, and you may feel a bit restless. The reverse can also be the case: you feel less connected to your body or feel as if you are no longer completely present. You want to walk away, or you are closing down.
In addition, you can notice it in the connection with your partner. You no longer have room to listen; you keep repeating your side of the story and might become angry or impatient. You may also want to end the conversation and retreat. You don't want to talk about it anymore.
These are all very human reactions; they happen to all of us. But they are not always that helpful. The good news is that you can learn to deal with this differently and regulate yourself better in these situations.
What can you do to regulate yourself again if you feel a fight/flight/freeze reaction coming on?
Take a few deep, slow breaths and become aware of your feet and hands. This will slow down your body's reactions and make you more aware of the sensations running through you. By not responding immediately to your partner, you will also slow down the conversation, which often benefits the connection and the content.
Be curious about what is happening within yourself. Instead of focusing on what the other person is doing wrong, look at what is happening inside you. What do you observe in your body? What exactly is it that triggers this reaction in you?
What the other person says and how it is said is less personal than you think. That sounds strange because a difficult conversation, especially about intimacy, is also highly personal. What I mean is that your partner's desires and how they communicate are, on one level, much less personal than you might think. What their preferences are and how they communicate is a complex interplay of genetic factors, our environment, our culture, and experiences from our (early) childhood. It might be less about you than you think. I wrote more about that here.
Now that you have taken these steps see if you can remain curious about your partner. What do they want to say? What is the background to this? What purpose do they have with this? What do they feel about this? Do you have the same interpretations and points of view? Or are you actually talking about different things?
Do you notice that you remain triggered and cannot regulate? No shame: it happens to all of us at times. In that case, it is important to take a time-out. Continuing a conversation from the fight/flight/freeze system is pointless. You will keep going around in circles. That takes a lot from both of you and does not lead to solutions.
Ask your partner for a time-out, but arrange a time when you will continue the conversation within the next 24 hours. This is important because otherwise, you leave your partner hanging, which certainly will not improve the situation. Use the above suggestions to regulate yourself during the time-out.
Finally, give yourself and your partner(s) the time to learn these skills. They usually do not occur overnight and take time to develop. Realise that triggers will always exist. No matter how well you learn to deal with them, it is very human to be a little dysregulated at times.