Help, My Sex Life Isn't Going so Well
Photo by Harper Sunday
Damn. There is a piece of fabric stuck in the zipper of your coat. The HR employee is already walking towards you to pick you up for the job interview. You'd love to tear that entire zipper off your coat right now.
Don't do it. Calmly pick it loose.
Patience works better. That is also true for sex.
What does patience have to do with my sex life?
Sometimes, sex doesn't go the way you want it to. Your back hurts. You don't have an erection. Your vagina stays dry. Or you're distracted. Lovemaking can end on a sour note: you feel inadequate.
Failure. Again.
No, there is no failure. Just take a step back, change your position, and switch to kissing, caressing, or having an intimate conversation.
In other words, downshift. Being uncomfortable doesn't have to mean the end of sex.
But isn't that a failure?
If you sit in a corner and sulk, yes.
But that absent erection, that dry vagina, or your partner being distracted, none of that is about you.
Focus on what it is about. What do you want to experience when you are having sex? Is it about the connection, about the thrill? Do you want to be in the moment and forget about the world around you?
How can you achieve that? Right now, at this moment? Gentle kissing, lying in each other's arms? Give your body time to recover.
Then, you can shift it up again. If you both want to.
How do I suggest this to my partner?
Talk about it. Find a quiet moment together. Tell them what you like about your sex life and say that you have an idea to make it better.
Well, nothing will ever happen again if we keep downshifting at the slightest discomfort
I understand.
But there is no point in continuing through discomfort. You will get negative feelings about sex. Chances are you two will never do it again.
People who maintain a good sex life well into old age are masters in downshifting.
And if you're just looking for the release, Pornhub is also a solution, of course. ;-)
Easy to say that I shouldn't take it personally
True. The sex we see on TV, and especially in porn, is about performing reliable and fast. But that is not how real life works.
In real life, Brian is worried about his erections. Esra hesitantly shares that penetration has been a bit painful lately. Charlie and Robin have to adjust their favourite position due to back problems.
Not taking that personally and looking for other solutions, that is excellent performance.
Running slowly makes you faster
My neighbour wanted to run ten kilometres in under 50 minutes. But no matter what she tried, she couldn't do it.
Until she joined a running group.
She learned that she should run slowly during most of her training. That way, your muscle fibres develop better.
Now she runs the ten kilometres in 47.58:47.
It's the same with sex
John is distracted during sex with his girlfriend Naomi. In his mind, he is still busy with work. He has bitten off more than he can chew now that his colleague is ill.
'I'd like to take a break. Will you lie down next to me?'
‘Everything okay?’ Naomi asks.
‘Yes, I'm distracted by work and need some time.’
Now that he feels Naomi next to him, John can let go of his work. Naomi likes that she knows why things didn't go so well, so she doesn't have to guess what's going on.
That, too, is intimacy.
They can pick up where they left it a bit later, with more connection than at the beginning of the evening.
To summarise:
Is sex not going well?
Don't take it personally.
Shift down to a calmer activity
Tell your partner what's going on
Let your body recover for a moment
If you want to, shift it up again
And what do I do now?
Ask your partner to read this blog. Over a glass of wine, discuss how you can use downshifting in your sex life.