Why Setting a Boundary Requires Action

Photo by Anh Tuan To

‘Charlie just always crosses my boundaries. I tell him to work less and spend more time with me and the kids, but he just does not do it.’

Okay, so what will you do?

‘What will I do? This is about him, right? I've told him so often and he won't do it.’

I get it. But you're talking about setting boundaries. It seems more like you're asking a question.

What do you mean?

You ask him to spend more time with you but don't follow through with your actions. Even if you ask him every day or say it angrily, he can shrug his shoulders and do something else.

Setting a boundary requires an action

Something you will do when he crosses the line. It doesn't have to be drastic, but it does have to be clear.

For example: 'If you don't help Max with his school presentation this weekend, I'll ask Aunt Miriam, who swears so much.'

Setting a boundary takes preparation.

First, you need to figure out what it is that is important to you. Do you want him to play soccer with the kids more? Do you need more quality time together? Do you want to make more hours at work yourself? Are you afraid that your partner will get a burnout?

Then think about what you will do differently if your partner does not honor your request.

Have a conversation about it

Be honest. Listen to your partner. And tell him why this is important to you and what you will do differently if he continues to work so much.

Will you take the kids to grandma more often, so you have more time? Will you yourself have more quality time with the children?

Or does he admit that he feels threatened at work by the new GenZ manager, who wants to switch everything to AI. He has to prove himself now, or he's out. And you decide to make it easier for him to work more during the week, so you have family time over the weekend.

Or have you reached the bottom line and are you calling the divorce lawyer?

You cannot change your partner, but you can influence them

Your partner is different from you. That's what's so great. That's why you fell for him, her, them.

That also means that things don't always go your way. He wants to build a career, she thinks the kids should take piano lessons, and they want to go out and play pool every Thursday night.

Your partner will never be the same as you.

So, setting a boundary is also about losing.

Your husband is not good at helping with homework, your wife doesn't like hiking, and your enby will never be a homebody. You have to let go of the idolised image of your partner.

And so what, if your partner isn't that hero who effortlessly combines career and family and is always there for you?

You're not entirely perfect yourself, are you?

Choose your battles wisely

Is it really that important that he is home by six every evening? Can you really not live with her impulsive plans?

Think carefully. Because the kind of boundaries for which you call the divorce lawyer are limited.

So:

- Think about what you want exactly

- Listen carefully to your partner

- Be clear about what you are going to do

- You can't change your partner, but you can influence them

- Use drastic boundaries sparsely

And now?

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