What Happens in Sessions?

My office

‘Do you get to eat popcorn with that?’ Anna asks. We’ve just met at a birthday party, and I tell her what kind of work I do.

‘What do you mean?’ I ask.

‘Well, you probably see a lot of drama.’ 

‘Ah, I see,’ I understand what she means. ‘No,’ I add quickly, ‘that’s not how it works.’ 

So, how does it work?

Breaking the patterns

When you come to me to work on your relationship, a lot has often already happened. You argue regularly, things feel off, or you live pretty separate lives. There is no point in repeating these patterns in my office.

We are going to break the patterns. That takes practice. You will learn new things, and that requires focus and some time. Making mistakes is allowed. In fact, it is necessary. It is simply part of learning new things.

So, I focus less on the content or drama of the problems and more on helping you find new ways of handling them.

How does that work?

Before the first session, you each fill out my intake form. That form is extensive, so you need some time to complete it. 

It’s worth the time and effort, though.

It helps you prepare for the sessions. And I get a good impression of what is going on and what your patterns are. So we do not have to go through everything in detail when we first start.

That saves a lot of time.

In the first session, we further examine your dynamics, and I explain the framework from which I will be coaching you in changing them. We will start that process quickly.

Don’t assume things

In relationships, all kinds of patterns arise, and over time, you assume things about one another. 

You no longer take the initiative when it comes to sex because you already know that your partner is going to say no. 

Or, you no longer say you want to spend more time together because you don't think your partner cares. 

Or, you don’t listen when your partner gets angry when you come home late from work. You've heard it all before.

Unproductive statements

Or maybe you do speak up, but it doesn't get you anywhere. You just keep going around in circles.

'If you wouldn’t always be so busy with work, we'll finally have time for each other'. 

'Sex with someone else is out of the question.'

'You're never there for me'

'When I say what I think, you always start to complain.'

 These are all very understandable statements, but they are not helpful for a constructive conversation. I will show you how to communicate differently.

Untangling the issues

I help you to each speak for yourself, stay in touch with what you want, and remain curious about your partner, even if they have an entirely different opinion. This way, we untangle the issues, and we clarify what belongs where. 

Seems easy?

Well, it does take some practice. But it will change the dynamic between you significantly.

I will regularly interrupt you to ensure you continue to speak for yourself. I will also help you remain curious about your partner, even when they say difficult things. 

You can always tell me if my interruptions are too much. Or if the conversation itself is becoming too much for you. Even more, I encourage you to do that. 

We work on calm communication when facing complex subjects. So, if you notice it is too much, we will adjust. There is no shame in that.  It is all very normal and part of the learning process.

Developing new patterns

The patterns in which you are stuck have an origin that is older than your relationship. You have each learned them somewhere in your life. Often as a child. We all have those patterns. So here, too: no shame.

We will examine where these patterns come from and how you can change them. That also changes the dynamics between you.

If your patterns have to do with sexuality and intimacy, I also use physical exercises and assignments to change your dynamics in an embodied way as well. 

Complex themes rarely have a simple solution. However, having the conversations differently creates space for new insights and solutions. And that is more than worth it.