How Do You Improve the Poor Communication With Your Partner?
Charlie and Martins mapped vulnerability cycle
‘You have to turn left here,’ Charlie says, ‘the road ahead is closed.’
‘No. I know how to get past it,’ says Martin.
'The ceremony starts at 3:00 PM, we'll be late this way.'
‘Don't stress out, we'll make it.’
The atmosphere in the car is tense, and an hour later, Martin and Charlie rush into the church at the last minute. They hardly speak to each other for the rest of the day.
It always goes like this.
Vicious circles are often persistent
You express something that is important to you, and your partner reacts irritably. Before you know it, you are stuck in a cycle from which you cannot escape.
We all have weaknesses, and we get into strange patterns with them in intimate relationships. That is a law in itself.
The good news: there is something that can be done about it.
The Vulnerability Cycle
Mona Fishbane and Michele Scheinkman found a way to map this cycle. Seeing what is actually happening often helps to break the pattern.
Ultimately, it's about the vulnerabilities behind the pattern.
Why do you each respond in your unique way, and how can you talk about that instead of going around in circles?
This is how it works for Martin and Charlie
Charlie doesn't like to lose his sense of control. As a child, he was always scolded for getting his clothes dirty or coming home late. He likes reliability, and people can always count on him. He is a man of his word.
Martin was also scolded for being late for dinner, but he kept rebelling against the rules. His urge for freedom only grew stronger, and he doesn't let anyone tell him what to do.
Charlie was attracted to Martin because of his desire for freedom, and Martin to Charlie's reliability. However, in daily life, these characteristics can also be annoying.
The survival strategies
When Charlie loses his sense of control, he gets angry at first, but then he withdraws. He quietly calls Martin a narcissist who only thinks of himself.
Martin becomes rebellious when he feels controlled. He decides what he wants to do and reacts angrily and defensively when someone tells him he should do it differently.
The vulnerabilities underneath
Underneath Charlie's criticism and withdrawal is a sense of loneliness and not being good enough. As a child, he felt he could never quite meet his parents' expectations.
Martin feels restricted and unseen in such situations. He has felt limited in his autonomy his entire life.
By talking about it, they understand better why the other reacts irritably. This ultimately makes it easier to compromise and respond differently to each other.
Mapping out the pattern helps a lot. See the drawing at the top of this blog for the – fictitious - example of Charlie and Martin.
What happens after that?
‘The road ahead is closed,’ says Charlie, ‘I think going left here is the best option.’
He knows that his words may hurt Martin's desire for autonomy, so he says them in a calm tone. At the same time, he takes a deep breath because he knows that his trigger can also be activated.
'I think I can get past it,' says Martin. 'Will you check if I can go through Mill Lane? Otherwise, I'll turn around, I know I'm being stubborn again. If we're late, I will apologise to the master of ceremony. I promise.'
What can you do?
What does your circle look like? Map it out, and then discuss the vulnerabilities behind the patterns, but don't discuss the survival strategies.
You can't change those with arguments.
Change happens when partners are curious about the background of the strategies and show a genuine understanding of their origins. That sometimes takes time.
The next time the pattern reappears, think of the vulnerabilities instead of the irritations.
Your partner does not want to participate? Don’t worry
It is nice if your partner wants to map this out with you. But if not, you will come a long way if you map out your own pattern. Without knowing the details of your partner's reaction, you can also change the dynamic by addressing your side of the story.