Why You Probably Don't Have an Attachment Problem

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani

Freud.

You know.

The dude who thought women suffered from hysteria.

His insights were once wildly popular, but we now find them a bit cringe.

Neurologist Freud saw many patients with unexplained physical symptoms in his practice at the end of the 19th century. According to him, these symptoms had a psychological cause. He was the founder of psychoanalysis.

Many of Freud's insights are still alive today. Stomach complaints? Fear of your tax bill. Migraines? Unprocessed anger about your divorce.

But therapy is subject to fashion

Not all physical complaints turned out to have a psychological cause. A stomach ulcer is caused by the Helicobacter pylori bacteria, not by yet another reorganisation at work. And migraines are often just migraines.

Today's fashion: attachment

How loving were your parents? How much stress was there in your early years? Were you able to develop yourself well enough?

The founder of attachment theory is the Brit John Bowlby. He discovered that a poor bond between mother and child in the first years of life leads to irreversible psychological damage. A secure attachment is essential for development (Attachment Theory and its Therapeutic Implications, 1978).

But almost 70% of people are securely attached

The fact that Anne has been ghosted again by a date is not necessarily an attachment problem.

And that Charlie walks away during an argument, while Carrie thinks they should solve it now, doesn't have to say anything about their attachment styles. As a couple, it is easy to polarise.

Securely attached people are not always beaming with joy

Janine struggles with her jealousy of Tim's work wife. Martin is frustrated because Sam doesn't want to have sex anymore. And Tobi and Kim keep arguing about their kid's screen time.

Relationships aren't easy. They require a lifetime of learning whether you're securely attached or not.

Attachment is about the first three years of your life

In that phase, you live in symbiosis with your parents or caregivers. The good news is that if your parents took good care of you 30% of the time, you are securely attached.

But after that, there is still a lot to learn

How do you make friends? Do you fit in at school? How do you go through puberty? Are you a goth, a skater, or cottage core? Or do you not fit in anywhere?

What you do in those phases also impacts who you become as an adult and partner.

So, working on attachment when you have relationship problems is not enough

It is often not even necessary.

Attachment is about security.

But relationships are also about taking risks.

It's about holding on to your need for time for yourself, about accepting that your partner is stricter with the kids than you are, and about expressing your desires in the bedroom.

Disagreement brings a fresh breeze into your relationship. It provides growth and creative solutions.

What’s not to love about that?

PS Your attachment style is not fixed. It can change over time and even differ depending on the relationship.