How to Change Your Partner (A Little)

Image by Elijah Macleod

My mother always taught me that ‘everyone is the way they are’ and that ‘you can’t change someone else.’

There’s a truth in this. I don’t want to go through life being someone else’s puppet. And when someone changes to please me, it doesn’t necessarily benefit me.

Yet, there’s also a loneliness in these expressions. It is as if we are all living on our own little island and have just to make do with how the other person is.

However, our environment also plays a role in who we are. We are constantly influencing each other. That was already the case before the invention of the influencer.

 This also plays a role in our relationships.

 That’s not necessarily positive. Your partner complaining that it’s been so long since you had an intimate evening together, suddenly makes you want to watch Netflix. Alone.

 Or: You say you want something different in bed without being specific and vulnerable. There is a good chance that your partner will distance themselves from you. Getting the idea of doing poorly in the bedroom rarely benefits anybody’s libido.

 The trick is to use this influence to your advantage. How do you do that?

Give compliments. Do it sincerely because fake positivity does not benefit anyone.

Is it time for a complex conversation? Do it at a relaxed moment and start gently. And above all, listen well.

Be honest and speak only for yourself.

Does your partner react negatively to your approach? Breathe, relax and see if you can stay curious about what is actually going on.

Oh yes, there is also a catch: be open to influence from your partner.

Ouch, I know. It can be challenging. However, influence only works when it comes from both sides. Unfortunately, we don't learn that on social media. That may be why only a small percentage of wannabe influencers become successful.

So yes, you can change your partner, but it only works if it's a two-way street. And you can end up somewhere different from where you wanted to go. That could just be an upgrade from what you had in mind.

In other words: become each other's influencers.