Most Conflicts in Your Relationship Won’t be Solved (And That is Good News)

Image by Bekky Bekks

Research by John Gottman in the 1990s showed that 69% of all conflicts in a relationship are never resolved. This is also true for conflicts around intimacy and sexuality. 

Ouch, that is not very hopeful. Yet, it is good news. It's not about resolving the conflicts. It’s about how you deal with them, and how that leads to real intimacy.

It becomes a problem if you hold on to the expectations from the first phase of your relationship. The phase in which everything is perfect and the rose-tinted glasses are planted firmly on your nose. Unfortunately, this phase lasts two years at most. After that, the differences inevitably become more visible.

In the media, we learn that love solves everything. That you find each other and together you become one, and that 'they live happily ever after.' However, we never see how ‘they’ deal with each other in the ever-after. So, if you continue to hold on to that ideal of oneness, you are not alone. We all get plenty of it spoon-fed. 

Especially when it comes to intimacy, it is essential to pay attention to the differences. One of you might be a vanilla; the other a bit more kinky. Maybe you want long and sensual pleasure, or perhaps you like it fast and a bit dangerous. It's all very normal. 

These differences are part of the game. We are all complex beings with deeply ingrained preferences, likes and dislikes, especially when it comes to sexuality. Subconsciously, we expect our partner to be the same as we are. Or that they simply ‘get’ us, just like in that first phase of falling in love. 

When it comes to sex, we often have a few judgments about what is and what is not appropriate. And that makes it a scary and sensitive subject to approach. It can make you feel lonely and can make it difficult to talk about it. It takes courage to speak about your desires and what you do and do not want. At the same time, you also need to be curious about your partner's desires and boundaries. Ask questions without judgment, especially if it is something that seems strange to you. If needed, take a deep breath. It is not about you. 

Think outside the box. The kind of intimacy we see in the media is very limited. Give pleasure and enjoyment priority over reaching a fixed goal. That alone can make a big difference. 

That way, it is not you against your partner. It becomes teamwork where you find new paths together. By the way, this applies to all conflicts, not just those about intimacy. 

It is precisely the fact that your partner is different from you that makes life interesting. So, use the conflicts to grow together instead of falling into the trap of unsolvability. Intimacy as total oneness is just an illusion. It is precisely the differences and conflicts that enrich you and give your life colour and meaning. It is not always easy, but worth it—and less lonely.