Why Sex Can Actually Get Better With Age

Image by George Pagan

What? Isn't it true that…

… men are in their prime during their teens?

… it only gets worse once you are married or have children?

… after menopause, there is no fun in it anymore?

The problem is that research into sexuality typically focuses on the things that go wrong. On issues that need to be solved. On standards that need to be met. This leads to a downward spiral. 

Erections that don't 'work' the way you want them to. Having less lubrication, your body starting to sag a bit, and having less energy. There is pain during sex*.

All these things are very normal, and they can happen to anyone. But you can still have an extraordinarily intimate life.

Only if you'd like to, of course, no pressure.

Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Menard researched this. Instead of focusing on what goes wrong, they interviewed couples who claim to have an extraordinary sex life.

In their book Magnificent Sex, they describe the important components. These include attentiveness, authenticity, empathy, and the courage to take emotional risks.

They also found that for these extraordinary lovers, it actually got better with age. How does that work? What do these people do to have such good intimate lives?

First of all, let go of the goal. Yes, a climax is nice, but being goal-oriented has its limitations. For some, it is easier to achieve the goal than for others. And for all of us, it will not work at one point or another. Sometimes or often. That is very normal, especially when you are getting older.

Emphasise having fun and continue to discover each other instead of being goal-oriented. With age comes experience, self-confidence, and less worry about others' opinions.

You are less afraid of embarrassment and dare to make mistakes and take risks. All excellent ingredients to increase intimacy. Dare to experiment and try something different. If it doesn't work, so be it.

Learn how to downshift. 

Even people whose intimate lives are exceptionally good sometimes have mediocre experiences and things going wrong. It's all part of the game. Don't let it get in the way of your self-confidence.

Am I saying that you should now go off and do everything possible to have that magnificent sex? No, not at all. Let's take off the pressure that we should do it often, in a certain way, or not at all. It's all about what you desire.

But don't let yourself be held back by discomforts and the idea that a good sex life is only for the young and the beautiful.

* Oh yes, about unwanted pain during sex. There is a lot you can do about this. Gather your courage and visit your GP or find a (pelvic floor) specialist. Also for men. There is really no need for unwanted pain.