How Do You Know If You Are Asexual?

Image by Katrina Wright

‘I just don’t like having sex,’ Paul says while staring at his shoes. ‘And maybe I’ve never really found it that interesting. Does that make me asexual?’

Not a crazy question. I hear it regularly. Asking yourself this question isn’t the end of the world. But it can feel that way.

Not everyone finds sex that important.

But it can feel that it should be important. You have to do it an x amount of times in a week, month, or year. Or at least be in the mood for it. If not, there’s something wrong with you.

Not true at all.

How do you know whether you are asexual or not? And what does this mean for you?

When you ask me a question like this, I walk you through a few things to help you determine your position on the vast spectrum of sexual identities. Most importantly, I help you figure out which words and identities resonate for you.

Do you experience spontaneous sexual desire?

That's the first question I ask. For many people, sex has to do with spontaneity. A desire for sex that arises quickly and spontaneously.

However, it doesn't work that way for everyone. And that can feel like a failure.

It is very normal though. Many of us have to first get in the mood to feel like having sex.

It is also very normal for this to change throughout life. Where you may have been used to feeling spontaneous desire in the past, it now takes some time to get in the mood.

This is called responsive desire.

Instead of spontaneous desire, it arises slowly. It all takes a bit more time.

In times of stress and significant changes, it can be that you don't feel like having sex at all for a while.

That’s very normal.

Is the sex you are having worth having it?

Sound crazy? There are loads of people who have sex that they don't think is worth it.

It's a cultural thing. We are set on a goal-oriented kind of intimacy, which can sometimes become tedious.

Think bigger: what do you enjoy? What do you want more of? Don't think in terms of goals but of enjoyment.

Do you not experience sexual attraction?

Asexuality is described as not experiencing sexual attraction. But that's not all there is to it. Asexuality, also called Ace, comes in many shapes and sizes.

Maybe you have an aversion to sex. You don’t like it at all. If this is you, it’s good to realise that this is how it works for you. There's nothing wrong with you, and it will save you a lot of hassle if you know this about yourself. Don’t try to fit into a mould that does not suit you.

Or perhaps you don’t care much about sex but are okay with having sex with your partner now and then because they enjoy it. And that is what you like about it for yourself.

To be clear, this is something very different from having sex against your will.

Maybe you are not interested in sex, but you do enjoy it once you are having it.

All very normal and common ways to be asexual.

So, asexuality exists on a spectrum and is different for every individual. And it can change throughout your life.

But wait a minute, aren't you mixing things up?

Someone who is asexual but does enjoy sex? Isn't that responsive desire?

Good point. There is some overlap here, and it is up to each individual to use the words that best suit them. Identity is something very personal. The confusion arises because the terms responsive desire and asexuality have different backgrounds.

Okay, some theory: the medical view and the deconstructionist view

The terms responsive and spontaneous desire come from medical science and sexology. Research from the nineties led to this distinction.

The term asexuality and all related identities have a background in deconstructionism and queer theory.

In the late 1940s, Simone de Beauvoir wrote in her book The Second Sex that a woman is not born a woman but becomes a woman. Identity is not only biologically determined but also socially formed.

This led to the unravelling of the concepts of male and female and of heteronormativity. Identity exists on a spectrum.

Your individual experience of your identity is, therefore, something different than a classification in the field of sexuality. It is up to you which words you want to use for yourself. And it can change according to the situation you are in.

And then what?

It is one thing to know for yourself what you are. But how do you deal with this in relation to others?

Be honest about it, foremost to yourself. It can be challenging and might require you to take a deep breath or two.

At the same time, be careful. You do not owe anyone an explanation for your sexual identity. Trust your gut feeling and only share it if you truly trust someone.

If you are in a long-term intimate relationship, it will most likely benefit you to talk about it. To dare to speak up. It prevents things from being swept under the carpet, leading to greater problems.

More importantly, have honest conversations about what you and your partner want. Think outside the box and create a new path that works for you both.

And Paul?

It was a bit of a shock but also a relief to explore his asexuality. It took him a while to clarify his identity and find like-minded people. Eventually, it was also a liberation to finally live his life in a way that worked for him.

Want to read more? 

Read the book Ace, What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen.