It's Not You, It's Me -What If Counselling Doesn't Work?

Image by Debby Hudson

I have great respect for everyone who walks into my office.

It's quite the risk. Especially when you come in with your partner.

What if it doesn't work? What if one of you loves it and the other hates it? What if I make you do things you don't want to do?

What if I side with your partner? You might suddenly be the culprit, even though your partner is the real problem.

Fair enough. I get it.

It is a risk, and I know a lot is at stake. You are not just stopping by; something has to change.

There are several things I do to minimise the risk.

Free 30-minute online introduction call

We can check each other out. You can see if I am as open-minded as I claim to be. If I am knowledgeable enough. If I am kind, if I can empathise. If I show leadership.

You can see if there is a connection.

And for me? I can assess whether I think it will work: us working together.

Transparency

I work with a high degree of transparency so that you know what I stand for and how I work. Hence, the texts on my website, my blog and the introduction call.

However, not everything about your specific situation can be discussed in an introduction call. It is a first snapshot.

In the first sessions, we will explore your situation further and decide together which direction to take. I will quickly indicate in which framework I see your problems and how I see you move forward.

I do not use false promises to lead you into a trap. Together we determine where we go.

One of the pillars of my work is that a good relationship includes both safety and risk-taking. This also applies to my sessions.

We will create a safe space together for you to be vulnerable. But I will also challenge you. Change requires risk and a dive in the deep end at times.

Be critical

Yes, really. You don't have to conform to me. I can handle it if you disagree with me. Even more, I encourage it.

It is precisely the places where we differ that can be fertile ground for change. Whether you are for or against porn. For or against monogamy. Whether you put the cap on the toothpaste or not.

When it comes to your relationship, I will probably challenge your views. After all, something has to change. Otherwise, you would not be here.

But you decide what you believe in and what you stand for. Even if I or your partner think differently.

About everything?

No, not about everything. On some things I take a strong position. About not always having to meet each other's needs, for example. About safety and risk. About the importance of diversity. About domestic violence (yes, I am against it).

There is always a bottom line.

Many roads

I believe in my method of working. I use different approaches and techniques and evaluate them critically. And I always consider your specific situation and broader context. I am not a one-trick pony.

And change takes time. Sometimes, you don't feel like it at all. Sometimes, you want to run away, and you have to gently kick yourself in the ass. That's all part of it. A bit of perseverance is required.

But if it doesn’t work, we better find out sooner than later.

Many roads lead to Rome. And nothing is for everyone.

Hence, the introduction call. Hence, the transparency. Hence, me not dismissing your criticism but taking it seriously.

So that we clearly understand what we are doing. So that we know whether there is enough common ground to work together.

So that you know if this works for you.

And I have many colleagues. All with their unique character, approach and specialities. So, if it does turn out that we are not a good match, no problem. There are more options. There is something out there that works for you.

So, if it doesn't work?

It's not you, it's me.

Or the connection.

Or the method.

Or the timing.

Or…