In the Thick of It

Image by Drew Beamer

I am fascinated by intimacy and how it develops. We often assume that it 'just happens'—the feeling you get when you are with someone, the trust, and the chemistry you feel. Intimacy is also about being seen, admired, and desired.

Intimacy is not a given but an active process. You have to keep showing yourself with all the things that change over time. As life progresses, we become more complex and 'fuller' as individuals.  As we get to know ourselves better, we can better express what we want, and our lives become richer through our many experiences.

 We also lose aspects of ourselves. Our bodies are no longer as youthful as they once were. Our vitality decreases (remember how much easier it was to pull an all-nighter in your twenties?). The body no longer always does what we would like it to do. We struggle through setbacks and process loss and grief.

Taking intimacy for granted is a fairy tale. Real intimacy requires time and attention and, occasionally, a complicated conversation. It’s about taking the time to understand your changing body and capabilities, process setbacks, explore new desires, and communicate them with your partner.

Intimacy is to keep showing up with all the changes and taking risks in being seen. This also means a small (or large) risk of being rejected. Real intimacy that deepens over time builds from all these moments. Moments of being understood and moments of misunderstanding. Losing each other (for a bit) and finding each other again (hopefully). It means developing compassion and setting boundaries. Softness and strength side by side. Getting to know yourself and each other better. Learning when you close down because of what your partner said, and how you can come back from it again to ask: 'What did you really mean by that?'

 Intimacy is stepping out of the fairy tale into reality. That can be hard, and your heart can get broken before you can really see the other person again. The intimacy of the 'feel-good movie' or the Disney fairy tale is a superficial dream. Real intimacy is being in the thick of it. Occasionally, it has to bite the dust before it can blossom again. But that kind of intimacy does have the richness of a full life: real feelings, the wonderful and the harrowing ones. And every so often, they are there simultaneously. It is about being genuinely present within yourself, knowing your strength and limits, feeling your pain, and allowing yourself to be broken open instead of closing down. It is about learning the tenderness of being so present and close to your partner, while knowing that nothing in life lasts forever.

No fairy tale can measure up to that.