On Monogamy
Image by Nicole Baster
Are humans meant to be monogamous or not? It sometimes seems like an existential question with only one correct answer, as if they are two entirely different options with nothing in between. However, in any type of relationship you need the same skills to build (a) thriving connection(s).
What are the agreements and boundaries of your relationship? It rarely happens that partners have precisely the same views on this. Is it okay to exchange a few flirty looks with the person behind the bar while ordering a beer? Are you allowed to fantasise about the handsome new colleague at work? What are your thoughts on porn use? Is it okay to have sex with someone else? Only as long as there is no emotional connection? Or only if there is? What if there is a deep emotional bond but no sex? And there are many more questions to consider here.
The answers to these questions are rarely right or wrong but hold a wide variety of opinions, experiences, and expectations. However, these are not always made explicit. It is a subject that involves many emotions, and this often makes it difficult to have a good conversation about it. The trick is to dare to express your desires and be vulnerable. It is crucial to be able to hold on to your perspective and to be able to park it for a while so that you can really listen to the other person. To deal with your triggers and to have the courage to investigate them. Only in this way can you come to good solutions. Every so often there is a stalemate, but my experience is that even then creative solutions can be found that work for everyone involved. This frequently also brings partners to a deeper layer of intimacy. In any form of relationship.
I have no answer to the question whether humans are meant to be monogamous or not, and I am not that interested in finding it. What interests me is how you and your partner(s) discuss the framework of your relationship and how you deal with the differences you face.
Would you like some help with conversations about the agreements and boundaries within your relationship? Whatever the form of your relationship, I am happy to assist you in gaining more clarity!