Is it a Good Idea to Open Up Your Relationship?

Image by Tim Marshall

It's good that you are asking yourself this question. Most relationships start with the unspoken expectation of monogamy. And then all sorts of assumptions are made. Partners often give different meanings to the word monogamy.

I am in favour of conscious relating, whether that is in a monogamous setting or in a form of Consensual Non-monogamy (CNM). Don’t assume the word for your relationship structure means the same for your partner as it does for you.

Opening up your relationship takes effort

Before taking further steps, inform yourself about the dos and don'ts. A badly started CNM relationship can cause problems. But that does not necessarily mean the relationship's form is the problem.

What exactly do you have in mind? Do you want the freedom to be intimate with someone else occasionally? Do you want to go on sexual adventures with others together with your partner? Do you want to have one or more other romantic relationships? Do you both want more freedom, or does this only apply to one of you? Will your current partner remain your primary partner, or do you prefer a more same-level setup?

A lot is possible.

What does your partner want? Do they have similar desires? Or not? 

Are you sure?

Delving a little deeper into this subject, combined with some patience, frequently shows that the underlying desires and motivations differ from what they seem at the surface.

However, this does not mean that CNM is for everyone.

Whatever way you decide to go, good communication is key.

'Yes, but we've already talked about it so much, and we're not making any progress.'

Good communication does not necessarily mean more communication. It means being clear in your words and actions, not being afraid to discuss complex subjects thoroughly, and facing your weaknesses. A little courage is required.

Good communication is vital in any relationship. However, once you embark on the path of CNM, it becomes essential to train your communication skills.

What if you have an exciting date with your new lover, but your long-term partner suddenly becomes ill and cannot care for the children while you are away?

What if you feel jealous of your partner's new lover?

How do you make agreements about safe(r) sex?

What to do when agreements are broken?

Do you tell your children about the new setup? If so, how?

So far, your relationship communication has been between you and one other person. Now, you have to consider more people, which increases the complexity more than proportionally.

Consensual Non-Monogamy requires trust

If boundaries have been crossed in the past, it is crucial to ensure a good repair first.

Trust is not a given thing; it is something you build together and must maintain. Ensure a good framework of accountability. An open relationship is not only about freedom.

How open are you going to be about it?

Unfortunately, CNM relationships are often stigmatised. So, think carefully about how open you want to be about this. Being open about your CNM relationship structure can affect your work and relationships with family, friends and colleagues. It can also impact your children’s lives and how the people around them see them.

Think carefully about who you tell and who you don't, and make good agreements about this.

Dealing with New Relationship Energy

Okay, you have clarified a lot. You know what you want and have communicated clear agreements and boundaries. Now, one of you falls head over heels in love with someone, and that is mutual. This is New Relationship Energy.

It is nice to fall in love, but it can also be an intense state that can disrupt your existing relationships. Make a plan in advance for dealing with this and agree on what it means for your current connections. This will save you a lot of hassle.

Again, accountability is essential. Falling in love and immersing yourself in a new connection is terrific. Still, without agreements, you may fail to maintain your other relationships and cause damage.

Jealousy

The other side of this coin is dealing with jealousy. Seeing your partner go on a date with someone else can bring up emotions. Even if you thought you could handle it well.

Jealousy often has a special status within the spectrum of feelings. Traditionally, it should be avoided in a monogamous relationship.

But jealousy is just an emotion like any other. It helps to examine what the jealousy is about. What are you afraid of? What do you desire? Look at it with compassion and curiosity. Let it help you to be honest and vulnerable about your desires and fears.

How can you soothe yourself, and what would you like from your partner? Learn to regulate your emotions and then have an honest conversation about them with your partner.

That is the beauty of CNM relationships. They allow you to experience more, not only with other people but also within yourself.

The things that can more easily be swept under the carpet in a monogamous relationship will have to be dealt with now to keep your relationships good and healthy.

And that is also the beauty of a non-traditional relationship structure.