What If Your Partner is Never in the Mood?

Image by Torbjorn Helgesen

When you first met, you were all over each other. You had sex all the time.

But things changed. You had children. There was stress at work. Problems with the in-laws. You dealt with health issues and had to care for elders.

And you rarely did it anymore.

It also became less fun. The spontaneity was gone. If you took the initiative, your partner usually said no. And if they said yes, you wondered whether they were really into it.

And now? Now, you don't initiate anymore. You still ask occasionally, but you already know the answer.

You feel rejected

Even though you know the love is there, it feels like a rejection. You don't want to lose your partner, but continuing like this also feels a bit like dying.

What to do? An affair? Opening up the relationship? Putting more pressure on it? Letting it go completely? Muddling through?

At least change something because what you are doing now isn’t working. That much is clear.

Even if your partner isn’t in the mood, see how you honour your own libido. There is nothing wrong with your desire for sex.

Focus on what is important to you regarding intimacy and how you want to feel. Desired? Connected? Tender? Is it about the excitement? Do you want to forget the world around you?

Go on a quest for intimacy 2.0 together

Break the pattern and make it a joint project. Focus on pleasure and enjoyment and not on a goal. The script of goal-oriented sex is only one way to achieve pleasure.

Look at how you both want to feel and what activities that involves. Especially those that are not directly about sex.

Don't put pressure on it

Of course, you are not forcing your partner to do anything; you care about consent.

But still.

Look at where you may be unintentionally putting the pressure on. Ask your partner about it. And then be really, really curious. Don't take it personally.

That's a lot easier said than done.

And yet, you can do it!

It requires a strong dose of self-regulation. Intimacy is very personal, and constantly feeling rejected is very hard.

At the same time, both your patterns are older than your relationship. So, in a way, it's less personal than you think.

It can feel like your partner has all the power, and in a way, that's true. However, being grumpy about it will not help you here.

Wanting sex and intimacy takes time and space. If you want your partner to desire and want you, you have to allow them the space to feel this towards you.

Learn to downshift

Sex often has a goal-oriented approach. It starts with a look or a casual touch, to more touching, kissing, etc. From step A to steps B and C and so forth, to experience that climax. If step C doesn't feel right for either of you, it can feel like failure.

Become masters of downshifting. There's nothing wrong with going back from C to B or A. Who knows, it might lead to H or Q, and you'll end up in places you've never been.

Downshifting is not losing but learning to connect in new ways.

Who does what for whom?

Explore Betty Martin's The Wheel of Consent.

Don’t let the name scare you off. The exercise is older than our current essential discussions on consent. Nowadays, The Wheel of Agreement would be a better name for it.

It revolves around the 3-minute game, a simple touch exercise centred on the question: Who does what for whom?

At first glance, it may seem like a too-simple exercise, far removed from the intimacy you envision. However, the deeper layer underneath is a real eye-opener for many people.

Once you understand in your body the difference between touching for your pleasure or for that of your partner, a whole new world can open up for you.

The good news is that much of the material is available for free.

Accelerators and brakes

I also recommend the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski for dealing with differences in desire.

We are all wired differently when it comes to intimacy. Gaining insight into each other's accelerators and brakes makes a huge difference.

Knowing what accelerators get your partner in the mood is very helpful. Knowing what their brakes are and how you both can prevent them from activating is even more useful.

In that regard, sex is like driving a car. When a brake is on, you will not get very far.

We change throughout our lives, and that is also true of what turns us on and puts us off. Some maintenance and rediscovery of what gets you both in the mood can get you a long way.