Are you a people pleaser?

Image by Randalyn Hill

Are you a ‘people pleaser’? Are you always there for others, always willing to go the extra mile for someone else? That might give the impression that you are very reliable. After all, you are always there for others, a constant factor willing to help.

 However, it might not make you as reliable as you think. By constantly focusing on others, there is a good chance that you forget yourself. Perhaps you say yes to things you don’t feel like doing, take on too much, and forget to recharge yourself. This will backfire in the long run. You may be grumpier than you would like, feel unappreciated for all that you do, and forget yourself. The pattern of pleasing others is often based on a fear of conflict. You get appreciation and feel you belong by always being there for others. However, you do lose out on yourself in the process.

 In your relationship, people-pleasing does not benefit the intimacy. By only focusing on your partner, you are selling yourself short. Ultimately, your desire decreases, you avoid intimacy, and you expect that the other person ‘should just know what you need’. The reality is that you cannot expect your partner to be able to read your mind. Leaving them in the dark about what you want makes you unreliable; one way or another, this will backfire on both of you. If you want something – or don’t want something – you will have to dare to express what you want and don’t want. It is precisely by clearly knowing and communicating your ‘no’ that you can really say ‘yes’. And that makes you a lot more reliable for your partner.

 Intimacy requires you to be connected to and take care of yourself, which can sometimes lead to conflicting desires. The paradox is that avoiding conflict does not help. Addressing conflict constructively allows you to better understand the deeper layers of yourself and your partner. This process can be scary as you venture into uncharted territory and do not know where it will lead. But it is the path to more and better intimacy, which is a journey worth taking.

There is nothing wrong with sometimes putting yourself aside for someone else. That is also part of life and is very healthy at times. But if that is your only mode, if you constantly put yourself last, you are selling yourself and your partner short. And that has many adverse effects in the long term.